Death is complex although a natural part of living. Complexity lies within the relationships, experiences, loves, losses, memories, accomplishments and enjoyments in life. The complexities are what make death so difficult to cope with. We all understand that death can take any form and can appear at anytime. Deaths can affect every individual of a person's life so differently depending on quality, labels and distances of relationships between people.

I have attended various types of funeral large and extravagant ones to those that are intimate and filled with direct family members. I often find myself wondering the significance of that person's life through influences and imprints that they left on others. I don't particularly believe that you even have to know a person well to know what they have done with their lives. You are able to hear, speak about and view the impressions that they left behind.

My husband told me, "I don't know how to feel." This did not surprise me because he has always been the one to take care of everyone around him, he is unable to view his role in life differently. I asked him, "Who takes care of you when you are feeling down?" He had no answer. This was not because he did not have anyone to take care of him, but it is all that he has known. It is difficult for him to show vulnerability because he is a natural caretaker of others. Death has always been present in his family, but you would never know it from just looking at him. I often envy how he is able to maintain composure when those around him are falling apart. He rarely sheds a tear, although I know he feels pain inside. His emotional conditioning is extraordinary and impressive as I am often an emotional wreck. He is the total opposite of me in career choices, but is exactly  my mirror when it comes to our compassion and empathy for others.

We are both exposed daily to other people's traumas, but would be confident to say that there is nothing we can say to make anyone feel better when they are coping with a passing of a loved one. There is no way that we are able to feel what others are feeling, because everyone has a unique relationship with their deceased loved ones. This relationship cannot be replicated by a substitute or a substance.

The best that we can do is to honor your loved one's lives, validate their relationships and love one another for as long as we are able to. Love extends well pass the physical state of love. It stretches well into memories, diaries, recordings, songs and poems which share the qualities of that special relationship.

Please continue to love respect and validate each other.

I have just completed two weeks at my new practicum site. I love every aspect of being a therapist. People always ask me how I am able to hear about children's trauma. Honestly, I would rather do this than any other career. Yes, it is difficult to hear these heart-breaking stories, but I have to realize that I make a positive impact on these lives.

I find it easier to work with children rather than adults, because they are more open to change than adults. The short lives that they have lived has been so tainted with abuse, trauma, substance abuse, neglect and abandonment (through no fault of their own). My ultimate career goal is to be a positive individual in their lives.

I felt nervous and uneasy the first week of practicum, but staff and children did a wonderful job of welcoming my presence. We were asked to read our client's files in order to get to know their history, prior to actually working with them in therapy. There was one child who stood out the most. He had such an unfortunate history of abuse, no family and was a foster child. After meeting him, I wanted to adopt him myself. He was so open to having a positive individual in his life. I assumed that he might be an unhappy child, but he smiled and asked me to help him play a game. Everyday after that initial meeting, I felt a genuine appreciation for what little he had in his life.

I thought about my own life and all of the little things that I was appreciative of. The simple things, such as clothes, supportive friends & family, a home and even a plan for my future are what these children lacked. It broke my heart to hear that some of the children told me that that their future would be in prison. Although, I tried to rationalize it, this sad projection of their lives was what they expected according to their experiences. I desire deeply to change their minds about the positive aspects the world offers. I never want to tell a child that they are limited; rather the possibilities of where their lives lead them are limitless.

I am thankful for the opportunities that have knocked on my door and will do anything I can to answer all calls.

Wish me luck this year!

Thoughts upon The Last Decade

I drove home after work a bit slower this evening. Frank informed me with the news of Osama Bin Laden's death at the hands of the American military. "Wow," I whispered to myself, "What a day!" I changed the radio station to MPR News. All I can hear in the background of the news reporter, were the crowds cheering, singing the national anthem and cheering, "USA! USA! USA!" That was when I began to feel the water fill at the bottoms of my eyes. I was a PROUD AMERICAN that evening.

I remember nearly a decade ago, when I awoke for what I thought would be another ordinary school day of my junior year in high school. As a habit, I would turn on the television, while I executed my morning routine. My eyes widen and I ran into my parent's room. I yelled for my mother and father to wake up and watch the news. Honestly, I did not know what the Twin Towers were, beside the fact that they were huge buildings in New York. I never knew the implications of the attacks on these buildings at that very moment. I just knew people were dying. I witnessed innocent people running for their lives away from the racing smoke & ashes. I witnessed people decide that jumping from a skyscraper was a much better decision than waiting for the help that would have never come. I witnessed people searching for their loved ones in despair, searching for any form of communication to confirm that they are okay. I mourned for those lives loss and affected directly and indirectly.

After arriving for my initial class, I quickly noticed the difference in atmosphere. The school's campus was quiet and nobody knew what to say to one another, beside, "Did you hear about what happened?" This was the first time throughout my education where teachers allowed for students to sit and just listen to the news via the radio, excusing the curriculum planned for the day.

From that day on, American lives were forever changed. Everything changed, from operations at the airports, to what people can/cannot state on the www/phone with the fear of being investigated by the government, to how American Muslims were viewed and treated in ignorant eyes. There have been many changes since 9/11/01 that have, now after almost a decade, become accepted as a norm as part of American society.

Many of the oldest children I work with, were either just born in 2001 or younger. These children do not know a life without that umbrella of "The War in the Middle East." They have no memories of where they were when the towers were hit by the 2 commercial airplanes. That morning I cried for those lives affected, for the children and families who lost loved ones, for those brave police and fire heroes, and for those who have merely woke and gone to work, but did not have a chance to say good bye.

Tonight, I can say, I will lay my head down on a pillow that is provided by our brave men and women in the military. We, as Americans, have no idea what our troops are enduring overseas, while we go to work, attend school, eat our meals, play at the park, watching our favorite sport on television and bathing in the sun. We have taken many things for granted this past decade. We should choose from this day on to live our lives, embracing our freedoms, enjoying the presence of our loved ones and positively achieving as much in life as we can. This day should allow us to realize that we are born into a country that allows us to choose how we want to live our lives, not into a country which suffocates its people into a life and only allowing for dreams which will never have a chance to be accomplished. Tonight, I cried of proud tears for those who have sacrificed, for those who are brave and for those who have kept their faith.

I guess, I do Impact?

I received a call from a friend today, thanking me for my help. Honestly, I didn't think too much of what I did at the time I did it. He asked me for a crash course refresher in Algebra. Mind you, we've been out of high school for a long time, who the heck remembers all of these graphs, plots, equations...blah, blah, blah.... We'll lucky for him, I had an old College Algebra book. So after a long day at my internship, I set aside time to go over everything. This test he was preparing for, would determine the rest of his career path. It would open many new opportunities if he passed!

This unexpected call today was from him...HE PASSED!

As I was driving home, I turned off the radio, to just take it all in. That microscopic hour of my life, doing something selfless....changed his entire life...WOW! What an impact!

I sometimes second guess my impact on people, whether positive or negative.

I then recalled several times when I impacted my friends' lives on a positive note.

I've tutored my friend through her GED test. She had been out of school for a very long time. We began at very basic grammar school math the quickly advancing to high school Algebra. Her present teacher was not making any progress and could not teach in variable perspectives. I sat down with her after she asked for my help. It only took 4 hours of my life dedicated to only her.

SHE PASSED!

I recently worked at an after school program. One of my students was 14 years old and endangered of failing the 8th grade for the 2nd time. I spent one entire Saturday afternoon at the library with him and his mother completing all of his missed math assignments from the beginning of the year until present day, May! He understood everything, but I think that his teachers have just excused him from doing any work, because he had a bad reputation. This kid was smart, but he was diagnosed with ADHD. Honestly, all he needed was someone who was dedicated to him. Long story short, I felt like a proud mother when he gave me a BIG hug, with a huge smile on his face. He announced that his teacher accepted all of the late assignments and he was GRADUATING! His mother was ecstatic! She said she couldn't thank me enough :)

These small SELFLESS acts of KINDNESS allow me to sleep at night.

I remind myself everyday:

I know all of this info, why not share it?

After all, its free!!

Realization

Those who know me well, know that I am not passionate about one thing. I am not a master at one thing, rather a jack of many trades. I am very far from being religious by any means. I just lead my life by always trying to do the right thing. Some people would describe me as a "Square" or "Boring." I am never offended because I know I can lay my head down at night comfortably.

Recently, I have been exploring various philosophies and religions. I am a baptized Catholic, not by choice. My father is Catholic and my mother is Buddhist. I was exposed to both religions fairly, not with one being mightier than the other. As a child I never understood a word the Father spoke in church, because I do not fully comprehend Vietnamese. So like any other child on a Sunday morning, I just nodded off for that hour. I enjoyed visiting the Buddhist temples, but once again, I never fully understood the concept of the religion, because of the language barrier. We just prayed and bowed our heads because that was what we were supposed to do. Simple.

Now that I am an adult, I do have a choice of what religion I want to affiliate myself with.

I was introduced to Greg Laurie of the Harvest Church in Riverside by a good friend of mine. I decided to give him a try. Hey, I can't knock it until I try it. I have been listening to his pod casts on the Harvest website. His words usually inspired and motivated me. This past Sunday's podcast frightened and angered me. These vivid emotions brought me back to ground.

Laurie spoke about how when HE comes it will be around the time when the world is at turmoil. He stated facts about the Middle East, Egypt, the economy, society as a whole. Since the turn of the new century, we hear many different stories of how the end of human existence will look like; for example, the Mayan Calender ends in 2012 and Nostradamus' prophecies. It is just a bit too much for me. Laurie also stated that when HE comes it will be somewhat of a domino effect of major world events. Hmmm.. thinking back..it has almost been 10 years since the event (9/11/2010) occurred. There have been so many world catastrophes since than.

This scared me because I have planned my entire life out. I do want to be married, I do want to have children, I do want to see my children grow and have their own families, I do want to be a grandparent, I do want to live until I am old and gray, I do want to enjoy my life in the profession I chose and worked hard for.

This might sound a bit ridiculous, but I remember telling my self that I cannot do anything too risky. Anything which heightens my risk of dying, is something I never consider doing. I thought if I died now, I will totally be angry at myself, because I didn't get to achieve everything that I wanted to do for myself.

Then I became angry at society as a whole. Look at how our world is now. You cannot turn on the television without seeing something vulgar, there is a lot of societal acceptance of things which should not be accepted, our values of a society are virtually nonexistent, many people are fighting over things because of their pride and not what is right, and money is the core of many things evil.

All of these things that I was witnessing my my lifetime were coincided with everything that Laurie was stating!

That was when I grew quiet. I thought about this for a long time and came to the conclusion that I was at peace with myself. It is okay if Armageddon is approaching. Although, I do not live my life by the BOOK, I believe that as a whole I am a good person. I am selfless and not selfish, I am thankful and not ungrateful, I am appreciative and not vindictive, I am loving and not distrustful, I am understanding and not judgemental.

At that point I knew I was going to be OKAY...

Long Drives do have their Perks...

When I am driving and I have a lot on my mind, I love to turn the radio off and be with my thoughts. I am teaching 2 social skills curriculums to my Kinders, 1st and 2nd graders. It teaches the students about feelings and how they affect behaviors, for example negative thoughts lead to negative behaviors and positive thoughts lead to positive behaviors. I had an "Ah Ha" moment! I know I teach this to my kiddos, but I don't practice it 100% of the time. I always remind myself that I lead by example, not by what is regurgitated from my mouth.

I had a very smooth day until I received a phone call, informing me that my 3rd job had to give me tomorrow night off because they projected we would not have many patrons. I began to dwell on it and take it personally. I started becoming angry, thinking that it was maybe because of something I did.

I thought and thought and thought.....

As my drive time grew longer, due to traffic, I began to positively talk to myself and remind myself that things happen for a reason. "THE BIG GUY ABOVE HAS A REASON." I have been complaining a bit about how little time I have for myself, how little sleep I have been getting at night, and I had little time to finish my final project due in 4 days.

Hmmmmm....

This was probably the reason He gave me time off!!

Thank you. I realize at the mid point in my drive how many things I had to do before this weekend. I should take advantage of these extra hours I can get things accomplished rather than complain and sulk in misery.

I began to notice patterns in my life. I've had many low points, but I have always had the strength to journey through those ruff, depressing times to get back on my journey. I have never had the time to give up on all of the goals I have set out for myself. I have thought I was alone in my head, going through the motions alone many times. I have been proven wrong many times, because I have endured and experienced enough to get me through those bad times.

My CLEAR MIND has prevailed once again! I learn new things about myself everyday, from working with these resilient children.

2010 Is Looking Brighter by the Day

It has been exactly one month since the new year had begun. I noticed prior to the new year approaching I was overwhelmed by 2 serving jobs, school and an unpaid internship. I needed a break as soon as it was possible. I learned to have a "Clear Mind" rather than to be upset that I was overwhelmed by work, after all, many people do not have ONE job. I am blessed with many tangible and intangible objects. I have learned to surround myself with the most loving friends and family. I have learned to prioritize life as it is thrown at me. My glass is officially FULL.

The most important aspect of my life is my very loving boyfriend. With my history of associating myself with horrible significant others, I thought I was doomed to misery. I believe the full support of my friends and family has allowed me to gain a higher insight on what life is truly about, HAPPINESS. I have not one thing to complain about. We have a beautiful home, we are more than comfortable with our living situation, we are able to have home cooked meals, and two beautiful girls (Leia and Violet).

My boyfriend understands what my WANTS and GOALS are for my personal life and our life together. It is rather difficult to find that with anyone today. He has been able to be supportive in every way possible. Although, we both have hectic schedules, we always find ways to spend valuable time together. We are a unique couple where we also enjoy sharing our time with our friends while together. It is rare to find someone who allows ME to be ME.

I have often informed friends that it is a lot easier playing the role of my friend than the role of my boyfriend. Frank goes jumps through hoops to make me happy. I am often described as simple, but Frank always finds some extraordinary way to make my life beautiful. I hope I provide him the same companionship throughout our lives. He always enhances NHI and does not shame NHI. He always finds a way for NHI to be HAPPY, even if he is not. He is my PERFECT counterpart.

I am not in charge of my past or future. I am only in charge of TODAY.